Wednesday, February 28, 2007
brilliant. this is my first time online for a whole week. yes and this is all due to the brilliant planning of my dad, so now the network is so damn slow it takes so long to load a page.
so many things come smack in my face. guess i shouldnt have gotten myself so involved in the first place huh? its harder to turn away now. perhaps i was wrong, to judge someone without knowing her at all. i thought some people were really shallow, to judge by the looks, or by the surface identity. yes she seems so perfect, with the attitude that really wows you. but maybe it was a mistake to think that way. stupid me, i thought i was so mature, but till i see all the murky layers of human nature, it wasnt so at all. hurt is good, it helps you to grow, and through the emotional struggle you overcome, you emerge stronger, immune to all else that had hurt you before. when i did it the few days before, it was for fun, just to challenge myself, to see how deep i could go. but today when i do, it would purely be to lessen the staking pain i feel, not on the surface no. the hundreds of people passing you everyday, you're almost invisible. could they see what you feel, you're all alone, and there's no one there to save you. oh sure, its easier to think it as a fairytale, that some angel would decend to take you to heaven. living in your own fantasy world sure is good, i used to do that too, but that was when i still believed in fairytales. as you get older, you change, and i guess for the worst. cause when i look back now, i see how innocent i was, how innocent to think that speaking dirty makes me dirty. its better to be a stupid girl who knew nothing of what the world could do, and how the painted world you see is actually a rotten cake, flawless on the surface, but when you bite into it, you taste maggots.
i wont go there again, because it brings me nothing but fresh pain, all over again. and to move on, you cant linger by the same place where it breds pain.
okayyy and now for a less muddlesome piece of post:) my cheering was horrible, i could see it in their eyes mann. how hard they try to conceal their amusement:) okay no one to be blamed, cause i am quite a laugh aint i? im considering not to turn up for the audits on fri, but there wont be anyone to partner melo, and i would be a coward. if i run away this time, i could never look at my friends and seniors in the eye again. all righttttttt. woshhh let it all out now, give it all you got. even if it turn out a disaster, at least you could tell yourself, i tried:)
6:23 PM
