oh damn.
oh damn i shouldnt have done that.
now i feel so sick im gonna gag.

im sorry im suppose to feel really happy for my friend! thats society's expectation of us( quoted from mrs tian) yeah she's getting to me now. ever since she said that ' i believe in you so you'll deliver' shit i started to like her, a bit. she's still twisted though, burying us alive with the insane workload. like how am i suppose to complete any quality work if you insist on quantity? i'll try, i'll try.(repetition of a word emphasis on the meaning)

composing something, wtf it is, just makes me feel so happy, unlike trying to plow through some stupid tables of midsummer night's dream. like who cares about bottom being melodramatic? haha i love lysander,' you have her father's love, let me have hers'. sweet:)


brilliant. this is my first time online for a whole week. yes and this is all due to the brilliant planning of my dad, so now the network is so damn slow it takes so long to load a page.

so many things come smack in my face. guess i shouldnt have gotten myself so involved in the first place huh? its harder to turn away now. perhaps i was wrong, to judge someone without knowing her at all. i thought some people were really shallow, to judge by the looks, or by the surface identity. yes she seems so perfect, with the attitude that really wows you. but maybe it was a mistake to think that way. stupid me, i thought i was so mature, but till i see all the murky layers of human nature, it wasnt so at all. hurt is good, it helps you to grow, and through the emotional struggle you overcome, you emerge stronger, immune to all else that had hurt you before. when i did it the few days before, it was for fun, just to challenge myself, to see how deep i could go. but today when i do, it would purely be to lessen the staking pain i feel, not on the surface no. the hundreds of people passing you everyday, you're almost invisible. could they see what you feel, you're all alone, and there's no one there to save you. oh sure, its easier to think it as a fairytale, that some angel would decend to take you to heaven. living in your own fantasy world sure is good, i used to do that too, but that was when i still believed in fairytales. as you get older, you change, and i guess for the worst. cause when i look back now, i see how innocent i was, how innocent to think that speaking dirty makes me dirty. its better to be a stupid girl who knew nothing of what the world could do, and how the painted world you see is actually a rotten cake, flawless on the surface, but when you bite into it, you taste maggots.

i wont go there again, because it brings me nothing but fresh pain, all over again. and to move on, you cant linger by the same place where it breds pain.

okayyy and now for a less muddlesome piece of post:) my cheering was horrible, i could see it in their eyes mann. how hard they try to conceal their amusement:) okay no one to be blamed, cause i am quite a laugh aint i? im considering not to turn up for the audits on fri, but there wont be anyone to partner melo, and i would be a coward. if i run away this time, i could never look at my friends and seniors in the eye again. all righttttttt. woshhh let it all out now, give it all you got. even if it turn out a disaster, at least you could tell yourself, i tried:)


brilliant. this is my first time online for a whole week. yes and this is all due to the brilliant planning of my dad, so now the network is so damn slow it takes so long to load a page.

so many things come smack in my face. guess i shouldnt have gotten myself so involved in the first place huh? its harder to turn away now. perhaps i was wrong, to judge someone without knowing her at all. i thought some people were really shallow, to judge by the looks, or by the surface identity. yes she seems so perfect, with the attitude that really wows you. but maybe it was a mistake to think that way. stupid me, i thought i was so mature, but till i see all the murky layers of human nature, it wasnt so at all. hurt is good, it helps you to grow, and through the emotional struggle you overcome, you emerge stronger, immune to all else that had hurt you before. when i did it the few days before, it was for fun, just to challenge myself, to see how deep i could go. but today when i do, it would purely be to lessen the staking pain i feel, not on the surface no. the hundreds of people passing you everyday, you're almost invisible. could they see what you feel, you're all alone, and there's no one there to save you. oh sure, its easier to think it as a fairytale, that some angel would decend to take you to heaven. living in your own fantasy world sure is good, i used to do that too, but that was when i still believed in fairytales. as you get older, you change, and i guess for the worst. cause when i look back now, i see how innocent i was, how innocent to think that speaking dirty makes me dirty. its better to be a stupid girl who knew nothing of what the world could do, and how the painted world you see is actually a rotten cake, flawless on the surface, but when you bite into it, you taste maggots.

i wont go there again, because it brings me nothing but fresh pain, all over again. and to move on, you cant linger by the same place where it breds pain.

okayyy and now for a less muddlesome piece of post:) my cheering was horrible, i could see it in their eyes mann. how hard they try to conceal their amusement:) okay no one to be blamed, cause i am quite a laugh aint i? im considering not to turn up for the audits on fri, but there wont be anyone to partner melo, and i would be a coward. if i run away this time, i could never look at my friends and seniors in the eye again. all righttttttt. woshhh let it all out now, give it all you got. even if it turn out a disaster, at least you could tell yourself, i tried:)


i think im feeling quite happy now:)
really, not in the sarcastic way.

haha stupid nat. she went like 'omg you're smiling' when i pass by, haha i do smile a lot you know. cause im a happy person:D okay maybe not all the time but it still counts.

oh my im getting more irritated by jy with every sms he sends. yes i understand the everylasting deep foreverzzz love you feel for jocelyn, but there's no need to need to fill me in with the details. really. feel kind of mean talking about him like this, considering that he has been a really good friend. but im really getting so damn freaking irritated i almost told him to SHUTUPP. forget it. oh jocelyn please accept him soon, spare me the agony.

god bless everyone.


cny, everyone seems happy enough. people going on holidays, laughing, eating, singing. so i guess thats just leave me being the only one being so moody.

i shall not talk about my relationships problems because there's no point, and i dont know how to anyway.

tell me to look forward to the future, it'll be brighter, as long as we hold on to our hope. but i see nothing, everything's so dark. like all the hope has leaked out. everything i put my effort into turn out to be this way. take cheer for example. something that i tried, i tried. but come on, we all know im so not gonna get in. its not me being pessimistic, but a fact. i dance like a lump of shit.

and i wonder why, my brain is swarming with things i wanna say, i wanna scream, i want the world know, but there's nothing there to say, at all.





horrible day:(

the morning begins with me waking up like late , again. but seriously i slept like around 12 everynight so you cant really blame me right? and its all for finishing the bloody homework.

everyone's like super grumpy today, wonder if its due to the lack of candyyy. i went with melo for cheer practice during recess and it was pretty ok and all. i dance like a elephant: ) unglam.

and coming back home after a long day creates this whole list of problems for me again. two words: complicated friendships. omg i just hate handling relationship probs.

HELLO? IM SO NOT SUCKING UP TO RACHEL LOW? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU THINK THAT I AM? JUST BECAUSE I WENT OUT WITH HER ONCE, THATS IT? ITS SURE KIND OF PATHETIC IF YOU WISH TO SEE IT THIS WAY YOU KNOW. IM JUST TOO SICK TO DEAL WITH THE FRIGGING PROBLEMS ALRIGHT? AND IM NOT GONNA WASTE MY TIME EXPLAINING WTF SHIT THERE IS TO BE CLEARED UP. IF YOU WANT TO PUT IT THAT WAY, THEN SO BE IT ALL RIGHT? SO BE IT. IM JUST TOO FUCKED UP TO CARE. YOU HAVE YOUR PROBLEMS AND I HAVE MINE, AND IM NOT INTERESTED IN ADDING MORE TO IT.

dear eunice. sometimes i really cant tell if you're really being sarcastic or just a innocent BRAINLESS comment. wtf it is, it pisses me off. are you trying to put me down everytime so you'll feel good or something? cause sometimes you're just disgusting. you said once you would reflect or some shit, but i dont think so. nothing has changed, you're still flinging lousy insults at me. are you trying to spite me? yes by delibrately telling me that someone is quite pretty and putting me down by saying stuff like: 她哪一点是美的啊 and, which part of her is attractive. yes i absolutely agree. but i dont go saying things like you are so fat or shit like that although i might think its true. really, others cant see pass your fake-ness. but your mask is transparent to me. its only when i get closer to you do i see all the faults you have. and im glad it makes you feel good to suan me:) enjoy while you can, cause im not gonna tolerate this shit for very long now.

relationships build on lies and mistrust never last.


alright. im not gonna pretend i dont care anymore, because i really do. so much that i have to deny, or i might just die from the pain. numbing it by denying that it doesnt matter, when it does. it matters so much, so much.


sometimes when i dont feel like blogging or simply doesnt know how to translate all my feelings from a conversation into an entry, i write a whole chunk of crap to someone who isnt online.

i cant say i feel happy, but im not sad in the way like i want to bite to scream to hurt to hit. silent hurt. almost happy in a way. but it doesnt matter if i hurt. because i dont matter to me.


back from orchard. bathed, and tired. physically. and sick of jas being so hyper sensitive over everything again. yes im directing this at you. like whats wrong again? i have to deal with your this and that everytime. why dont you just get straight to the point and tell me what exactly are you so unhappy about, alright, i know, you are gonna say something about me changing again after reading this right?

i dont have to guess.
first you are unhappy cause im spending lesser time with you guys right? and you keep having to show me that "oh i cant see you" face. i pretend that nothing was wrong and smiled that spastic smile cause i have tons of work to be done and i seriously, dont want to deal with any friendship problems.
then you are unhappy with me going out with rachel am i right? yes i like to be really straight forward about things. its just going out for god's sake, like once. i cant see the problem with that. and rachel is ok, jas. we are just gonna deal with this once and for all ok?

i guess i'll not be going recess with you people for this week either. dont blame me, i just dont want to be fake when we meet. we need some time to settle some things. and in my opinion, this isnt the time.

just bought this mango jeans and tee:) well at least one thing to be happy about.


yaay im feeling very happy now:) cause i just made a few very possible new year resolutions that i shall strictly keep to.

like...
buying a nice cheongsam from that shop in far east
getting a pair of shoes to go with it
piercing my navel by june. okay and my ear.
buying the gothic victorian clutch i saw yesterday.
nurture better taste in clothes:)
and try to get jocelyn and jy together.

im happy:)


tired. from walking on orchard road for a whole day, and i didnt get a single thing!!! okay not exactly a single thing cause i did get the concealer i wanted. but that could hardly be counted right? damn i feeling super lousy:( my mom is so gonna laugh at me...

we like arranged to meet at ten thirty at forever 21 and stupid rachel made me wait for like forty five minutes. but i dont feel pissed. haha funny how i dont get really angry like normal people do when your friends comes really late. like alicia made me waited for an hour plus once, and she didnt turn up:) hilarious, when you think of it. so i was like walking around the area in circles, randomly visiting some shops. and after the longest time, rachel finally appears. haha.

we are cranky people, cause we didnt get anything. rachel was like "lets get something happy". and after she left i was wandering around and trying to find a bag or something that will make me feel like the day isnt wasted. i bought six packets of tissue from this old lady so i was feeling good for a while. but after a while i started to look like i hate the world cause i cant even find something happy to buy!! argh. okay i just so want this new urban male bag but its like hundred sixty nine:( i was so pissed. retail therapy backfired on me:(

stupid bus 162. it took to like more than one hour to reach home on that bus its retarded. and i thought it would be faster than the train.

tired, depressed and feeling totally unaccomplished. im gonna binge on ba gua. not like its gonna make me fat or something:)


shit. shit. shit! i start thinking about those poor things crying today and i felt so horrid. people like soopong, sonia, and charlene. like what happened? eunice asked jean and she said that she would take care of sonia but still...why? and why was soopong crying too? charlene, you know charlene the grey badge? she was crying too. like i saw her in the canteen and her eyes were red and her hair's slack and all. so its pretty obvious that she was crying. then i was so shocked and sad for her that i keep staring in her direction. until sancia tells me to stop staring or else the would think we crush them or something. haha that make me snap my head back.

still, i pity charlene the most, cause she looks the most vunerable? ahah that didnt sound right. but all the hard work they put in for the last two years...all wasted. all the public see when they announce the top student coming from sn, is just the distinctions and the smart people and blar blar. but do they see the despair of those whose hopes fell? the shock when they found out that their results were so far from their expectations? all the stress and hard work they were put through for the last two years just come to this...nothing at all.

forget it. i see the minority, i see all the pain. and i see what few people see.

life is not just a bunch of miseries you know. i can be happy if i want to, if i pretend to be. sometimes when i act high, i get high! hilarious:)


finally, i've started to listen to some happier songs. although they are still linkin parks's raps and stuff like that...its a big achievement already:) hahahas. feeling quite ok now, sad, but ok. the day started off pretty average, with rachel being moody and all, and of course with chloe sleeping and drooling on the desk, again. there are a few little perks todayy like seeing all the grey badge seniors come back, so sad, but so sweet. they were like being so enthusiastic during assembly and all, so touched:)

and there's something else that i shant sayy. my feelings are like a roller coaster ride, sometimes up and sometime down. the extremes of my personality. seeing the seniors again gives me this sense of warm, but everything darken again when you realise you're not gonna see them again after today. there's no point getting so hyped up for just this brief moment. its best not to expect at all, cause the bigger your hopes are, the greater the despair when you cant have it. after all, what could i expect at all?

hurrayyys. the song playing now is razorblade kiss by HIM:) so its a emo song again. again.

stupid rachel.
" i was looking for you on msn, then i saw 'lies they are all lies' and i knew it must be xiaoyu. so emo."



the start of the new really do bring many changes. we're drifting, i know. i dont know how to react. try desperately to salvage what is left? i smile when you walk by, but you pretend im invisible. so what am i suppose to do? i dont know how to talk to you, jean say i should.

sometimes i just want to order in pizza or eat in class, so i dont hang out very often with y'all. it is my fault i confess, but there are too many things piled on me, i cant breathe. so im gonna let it be this way until i could find a way to clear up this mess.

ld today was....i guess it was ok. i should be happy, cause i got into the syf cast, but why am i still so down? if only there's a life encychopedia for us to refer to when we are all messed up. to find you the answers to the questions why.


im so frigging emo this days. is that suppose to be good? way more emo than my sec two days, been crying alot more too. things that i've never dared to do before, i seem to have accomplished, some.

just listening to some music now and it makes me want to cry, and its not even a emo song! like it ends tonight? stupid stupid stupid, why am i being so retarrrrded?

i want to go out... been stuck at home for too long, but that doesnt mean i have done any productive work during this period:) i've still got tons of homework to be done, some, well the majority of it is late work...*sheepish grin.

I NEED TO GO OUT. ITS NOT A 'WANT', ITS A PSYCHOLOGICAL NEED. I NEED RETAIL THERAPY. OH NO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..





okay okay im calm now. just a little erm strained just now? haha.


this is how it always has been. and silly me, i thought i might be able to change something. just bit by bit, perhaps they will change. but i was wrong. no matter how much effort i put into it, how much i have endured just so i could actually get along with you guys. i dont hate you but why do you have to force me? why do you have to push me into a corner so im helpless to do anything?

you hurt me when i was younger, and now it hasnt change. are you trying to drive me to suicide? to a point when there's no other choice left in front of me but death? im crying when im typing this but the tears doesnt help, it doesnt wash away the pain at all. and you see me with tear stained cheeks, would you be able to understand the pain hidden behind? no, thats how you always see it as, im weak and trying to gain your sympathy through false tears. im faking. then take it as faking then, you'll never see the true me anyway. no matter how hard i try. the distance between us can only stretch further. i cant attempt to try anymore, because i know it would be futile. i need your help and understanding but can you give it to me? all i've got is just bitter memories. when i look back into the past years later, could i possibly see you as the understanding and caring parent who was always there to help me through the difficulties or there to burden me with more. how can i trust you when you dont trust me with anything? you tell me im more mature now but why do you still treat me like a little kid.

take it away then. take everything away. i dont care anyway.


ahh okayy. now i know i have this major anger management problem which is, unfortunately, not so easy to deal with. seeing how i lose it sometimes. like something in your brain has just short circuited.


ragdoll. thats reminds me of a doll who gets left unnoticed in the shelf, gets left behind by the world. covered in dust, watching silently as her dear mistress plays with other, prettier dolls. abandoned. thats the feeling isnt it? im a ragdoll, and i dont mind at all.

i envy those who have a perfect life but dont appreciates it. but i admire those who have tougher lives but yet struggles on, never bowing down to fate, or people who looks down them. stupid girl, so where is my place?


kate moss is cool. heroin chic:) im not saying this because i like thin or wtf but..the name sounds good:) was researching some celebrity and chanced upon kate moss's profile. its like she created this revolution, kicked the supermodels right off the runway, and redefined "supermodel". nice.

heroin chic is a fashion trend that characterise the looks of a terminal stage drug addict, pale skin, dark eye circles, sunken cheeks, and jutting bones. cult. i like. hahaha its hilarious. once my friend said i look like a drug addict when i do a certain expression. nice.


Feels like the weight of the world
Like God in heaven gave me a turn
Don't cling to me
I swear I can't fix you
Still in the dark
Can you fix me

Freefall
Freefall
All through life

If you love me
Then let go of me
I wont be held down by who I used to be
She's nothing to me

Feels like the weight of the world
Like all my screaming has gone unheard
And oh I know you don't believe in me
Safe in the dark
How can you see

Freefall
Freefall
All through life

If you love me
Then let go of me
I wont be held down by who I used to be



eek what a lousy day:( for once, i've got nothing to say and even i could tell that im trying very hard to be high. miserable now, dont talk to me.

no perks at all today. the mood is shit since morning. and yes i know im gonna fail my chem test and its all my fault. but at least i got through mrs tian's lesson without her shrieking at me about my hair or attitude or trying to cut up my socks right? yes that makes my day, just getting through it alive.

chloe didnt come for school today and we all thought that she overslept or something since she's always sleeping in class and all. hahaha but actually the poor girl had a massive headache and couldnt get up from bed.

im miserable and suicidal again. yeah big surprise. im suicidal like 50 percent of the time so its really no big deal. read this sad story from a person's blog and i felt like so depress like im gonna die or something, and i was listening to some goth music again:) hilarious.

ahhh i need to do some planning and set down some resolutions. new year resolutions:) *panic

things i shall commit myself fully to :
study really really hard
two words: anger management
learn a new skill, either dance or guitar
find myself
be a better person
be more socialable and not some grouchy git
ld:)
try to erm, tame my hair
let go of the past
be nicer to my rents
control spending
control eating
control sudden burst of emotions
let go.

shopping list:
clothes,
shoes,
accessories,
lots more.



ahhh alright alright i need to set a date to go new year shopping with some ppl i shall drag along. someone who has taste and wont be grouchy or make me grouchy. yes and who could that be? i need to revamp my wardrobe and my overall life. been keeping with me too many things that should have been left behind a long time ago.

tears that i thought are dried, wounds that i thought have healed, memories that should be left buried, are haunting me again. oh come on, who starts tearing when they are ironing their school pinafore? who starts crying when they recall their childhood? yeah how unfortunately, me. i know krislyn, i should think about others who have worse lives than me and i know that true. it all makes sense, i need to to stop wallowing in selfpity. but i cant help myself from feeling this way. suddenly it all makes sense now. i had never really let go, just tried to keep it hidden away. but subconsciously, its still there. its has always been there, the memories of a tear stained girl. a girl who couldnt let go.

five years old seems like a long time ago. but to some, the pain is still fresh, preserved throughout the years. a new year had started, but the past has caught up. i always wanted a new start to everything, if i could relive my life all over again, maybe i could have been happier. maybe i could have been a normal girl. im ruining the best parts of my life, the time i spend in school with all my purest friends. and all these sweet memories have to be marred.

ah nvm. i'll just take a step at a time, and see where it will take me.


yaay. ld today was much better:) the mood was high and we were all like doing things with enthusism.

"smile~" took a ton of pictures today, the computer is full of them. haha and we messed up ugenie's hair and make her feel "itchy". that sounds horny:) hahahha.

i saw a not so surprising someone when i was leaving. isabelle koh. i was kind of like omg, cause i see her in sn practically everyday while vj is like so damn far from here? she must be very attached to sn, which is very sweet. aww i wonder if im able to do that when i leave...

"tell me friends are forever."( quote from jocelyn)

Xiaoyu
Sngs
ELDDS<3
2Grace06<3
3Faith
Art<3
The Unconventional<3
Contemporary<3
Alchohol<3
Coffee<3
Odd Numbers<3
Change
New phone
Ipod
Harley Davidson biker jacket
Hair wax
Nice hair
Friends who'll be there
Positive attitude
Great O'level results, so i can rub it in their face
I want to be an artist
I want to be happy
I want to have all my dreams, fufilled


jean mivio peiyun rach ugenie cat&fish

December 2006
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