Tuesday, January 30, 2007
now i realise i do really love ld alot. im feeling terrible, cause i know ld is gonna get like bronze or even copper for syf if we dont something, fast. it will be too late once we start rehearsing the play.
dammit. its not ld-ish at all. no offence roger, but the idea aint too great. to put it bluntly, it really sucked. typical ld plays: abstract, dramatic, powerful scenes and lines that really capture the feeling. well this is...this is nothing like that at all.
the play ld did for the last syf, i am jane. a simple line, yet it means so strong. simple. we got gold, but that was because our directer was charlotte. for the two plays directed by roger...we got silver and then bronze. that is really sad, and it means something too.
we gotta do something.
we got to. im not just sitting there doing nothing while our reputation gets flushed down the drain.
ld is not commenplace, its not about everyday life. its dramatic, larger than life. and this idea is...commen, boring, cheap. sorry im putting it so crudely but i really hate it! and really, this's not gonna work, no way. perfect, this got to be perfect. ld is perfect. the way i see it at least:)
im struggling hard to think of a solution, an idea, anything. everything went rather smoothly together except for the major drawback which totally ruined any good feelings i might have. feeling lousy:(
found my camera's memory card, yay:)
im still sad though.
6:46 PM
Monday, January 29, 2007
yay i'll try as much as i could to be miss little sunshine:)
i love life, its full of hope and joy:)
i love everybody, including mrs tian:)
i'll spread love and joy to everyone:)
ah yeah right, who am i trying to kid.
6:28 PM
im happy, really i am. so i keep repeating that million times, trying to convince myself. i pretty much irritated jocelyn just now at macs, cause i keep saying "
jocelyn im happy, im really happy."
i hope i am, i cant be so selfish. she's your senior for goodness's sake. you're such a bitch, such a dirty bitch to even think that way.
haha. just remembered how humiliating i behaved in macs, screaming into the phone like some insane woman:) i was shocked, but was i sad? maybe my reaction time is a whole lot slower than normal people's, how pathetic:)
learning to let go is the hardest to accomplish, but i'll make it im sure. i do have countless flaws but one thing i know is that im not weak. i've been through quite alot of trauma when i was younger. but i pulled through didn't i? i wanted to die but i didnt, cause i cant give up that easily,
i cant be weak. life can be contradicting, especially mine.
im happy, but im sad. if i tell you that, would you understand?
now i realise there's no one you could really rely on but yourself. no one could understand the anguish you're feeling, but yourself. similarly, no one can heal you, but yourself. no one could help you, if you decide to give up. and thats how it is.
and i dont hate her anymore, i suspect i've never did, and thats how it is.
there's a millions things going on in my mind, but yet there's none. sounds ridiculous, and yes it is.
this is not the time to give up yet, this is not the end. i'll fight to the very end, even if there's no one there.
5:58 PM
Sunday, January 28, 2007
i was going to start reading this book. then i took a closer look at the summary. enchanting, how enchanting...
"Im the onion girl," Jilly Coppercorn says. "Pull back the layers of my life, and you wont find anything at the core. Just a broken child. A hollow girl." She's very, very good at running. But life has just forced Jilly to stop.
5:28 PM
im just really bored. no one's online to talk, so i start doing some personalityy tests:)
***You Are a Kinetic Learner***
You learn best by doing, and you have a talent for complicated, physical tasks.You excel at athletics, drama, and fixing things.You would be an excellent Olympic athlete - or a Broadway star!
What's Your Learning Style?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourlearningstylequiz/***You Are 60% Sociopath***
You're not a sociopath, but you're very prone to antisocial behavior.Other people's opinions matter little to you. You live your own fringe life - for better or worse.
Are You A Sociopath?
http://www.blogthings.com/areyouasociopathquiz/***Your Depression Level: 88%***
You seem to be severely depressed.You should seek immediate attention from your physician.Depression can be cured - you just need to take the first step.
Are You Depressed?
http://www.blogthings.com/areyoudepressedquiz/***Your EQ is 93***
50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.
What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyoureqquiz/***Your Personality is 81% Addictive***
You tend to get addicted to everything - booze, dirty web sites, quizzes...Time for a few 12 step programs!
Do You Have an Addictive Personality?
http://www.blogthings.com/doyouhaveanaddictivepersonalityquiz/
2:53 PM
wow. take a look at this test i just took. amazing:)
***You Are 100% Borderline***
It seems like you have borderline personality disorder. Seriously consider seeking help, even if you think you don't need it.
Do You Have a Borderline Personality?
http://www.blogthings.com/doyouhaveaborderlinepersonalityquiz/
2:52 PM
Saturday, January 27, 2007
what i dont understand, is why so many good people die everyday while the bad guys get to live forever. yes forever. this is not some tv drama so they dont actually die at the end of the show.
ha. i was telling jocelyn the other day how much i wanted to die, and how come i managed to be so healthy when i doesnt take care of myself at all. others are born with some freaky illness and despite their struggle and will to live, they die anyway. its like the maker's a practical joker. the more you want it, the more he helds it out of reach. take for example my will to die:) this is hilarious.
sheesh i hate having dinner with my rents, cant stand their eating habits, revolting. they slurps alright. literally slurps, very loudly. its gross. im a perfectionist, so i cant stand being with such slobs. sorry to say things like that about you folks, but my heart cant take it. give me a pair of earmuffs or something.
midsummer night's dream turned out to be a nightmare. i love shakespeare but shakespearene language is really hard to interpret alright? im sick of teachers chasing me for my work like what they did last year so im gonna make sure every single piece is in on time. thats quite hard to achieve, im not jocelyn after all:)
jocelyn is like this all rounded person. its freakish to be friends with this near perfect genius. ah i shall help someone to find out her loves and dislikes. (wink)
9:10 PM
jas was right. i really need to be alone.
at least people i know are happy. and thats all that matters.
i've been a total slut lately, i know. treating people insensitively, utterly unlike what i used to be. i hate this change, but yet sort of like it. do i make sense? no.
sudden bouts of strong emotions rushing up, and i cant control them. what can i do? bash my head against the glass? yeah that sure sounds tempting.
stain it the colour of blood.
6:38 PM
i've stopped cutting, and moved straight to suicidal. promised everyone i wont cut again, and this time i mean it. i dont want to be like that bitch with blond hair:)
i want to die, can i tell you that? feeling terrible inside but yet i cant say anything. i dont want to, i need to shake off this layer of emoness.
HA. IM TRYING TO HELP EVERYONE. SO WHO DO I THINK I AM. REALLY A SAINT? NO YOU SUCKER. YOU ARE A BITCH FROM HELL. WHY AM I TRYING TO BE SO NICE.
gonna stay out of ppl's business. you cant save them from hell anyway. fake. im plastic. i cant even differenciate my own feelings.
i want to die.
i need to die.
please fucking let me die.
6:20 PM
she's not worth it.what is worth believing anymore. when faith is shattered and all you've ever known turn out to be lies. so this is it, what you've been holding on for, pining for.
lies. screw you. for hurting her. why? why? why? oh fuck im crying. i want to hide myself in the closet, hide away from all my fears, hide away from everything else. lies or not, i want nothing more.
no it doesnt end because of this. its not worth it. come on, wipe away the tears, she's not worth them. and im not gonna cut, not anymore.
i want to be perfect, but nothing was worth it.
4:18 PM
hmm im suppose to be doing my midsummer night's dream now. haha so how did i end up blogging instead:/ haha forget about the stupid literature homework now.
damn. im gonna miss nafa's open house. the last day is today. hai, nvm, its not like i'll make it in or wtf. i didnt even make it for the mayflower screening. that proves that my art sucks.
3:39 PM
Thursday, January 25, 2007
becoming to love ld more, and appreciate how it has changed my life and mould my character for the better. i no longer feel the dread when i have to go for ld, its replaced by anticipation:) hahaha. now we're preparing for syf, helping roger to gather ideas and shape them into a play for syf. ld's great, with the exception of kola, who keep changing the object of her 'leaching' onto. cant stand the way she suck up to influencial people, and seniors. revolting, really.
as for my new class...im starting to love it too. it doesnt seem so full of strangers anymore.
hmm. now im thinking, should i email an idea i've got to roger? but it seem so freaking dumb, like completely retarded. fear of rejection:)
silence is powerful.
6:50 PM
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
you think i'll do as you want me too? i wont let you get your wish, to humiliate me and call me weak. you want me to drop elit? the more i won't. i'll persevere till the end. torture me all you want, i won't let you get to me. if im going down, i'll drag you down with me. dont piss me off dear, i've got a way to make sure you get sacked. not entirely foolproof, but it will work.
7:11 PM
another tiring day. feeling very paranoid. the seniors hate me, the class hates me, teachers hate me, friends hate me, ppl i dont know hate me. wow i dont make sense at all. freaking tian, fuck you for making tues and wed suck. "
now you've disrupted my chain of thought". wtf asshole. ld was pretty good, except that i keep thinking that our group's scene wasn't good enough, my paranoid thinking again, i hope. roger was pleased cause he got some good ideas for syf i suppose. well glad to know we contributed in some way or another.
haha. probably will be staying up till twelve or one again. really gotta finish elit. i dont wanna be in the teachers' list again this year. sick of people chasing after me for work, work that can't seem to ever be completed. i know its just my big problem of managing my life, and so far i did a great job of thrashing it. destroying my life single-handedly.
i cant seem to do anything right. academics, i've pretty much gave up. friendship, yeah im destroying that too. everything else, comes crashing down, i can't avoid facing my problems forever.
feeling so fucking suicidal lately, like life just isnt worth clinging onto anymore. whats the point of continueing with this miserable existant, that seem to lead to nowhere? no im not gonna suicide if that what ppl reading this are thinking. that would make me weak, in the pathetic sense.
i simply wont use the word 'sorry' anymore. i find no meaning in it, maybe its because i've been repeating it too many times. apologies, for all the pain and worrying i brought upon you all. mu bloody fault, no one to be blame. knowing that you guys are feeling sad about me makes me feel a thousand times worse. because the last thing i want to see, is ppl suffering because of me.
ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies.
6:47 PM
Saturday, January 20, 2007
somehow i wish it would all end. end the pain. so intense im numb. or is it? do i feel it at all? feel distached from my body, like i dont exist. and listening to mcr songs now dont help. the bit of relieve i got from my dad's understanding has worn off. and i cant feel the cuts i made earlier on. the blood is till there, i dont want to wash it off. i dont want the scars to fade, because i want it to remind me of all the pain. damn, and now im bringing the misery onto others. dont cut jocelyn, please. fuck it.
no one is there, no one seem to understand. who can i talk to now, who will be willing to be with a emo freak. i dont want to infect my friends with my sadistic-ness. i need to get away, runaway. i cant stand school, i cant stand my friends, i cant stand facing anyone. please go away and let me be alone. fuck it.
im sinking deeper and deeper. there's no saving me now, if im worth saving in the first place. lets just pretend i've never exist, there's no reason for my existance, just another burden of pain. thats all i have to say.
freaking guy with his freaking nick: U are so beautiful...-i love her...Will she love me too? oh christ, is he a pervert? fuck that guy, fuck everyone.
5:42 PM
marilyn manson is insane, thats why i love his songs:)
sadistic and dark.
by the way, he's bisexual.
5:13 PM
Long Hard Road Out Of Hell
I want to fly into your sun
Need faith to make me numb
Live like a teenage christ
Im a saint, got a date with suicide
Oh Mary, Mary
To be this young is oh so scary
Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
Spin my way out of hell, theres nothing left this soul to sell
Live fast and die you too
How many times to do this for you?
How many times to do this for you?
Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
Long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
Sell my soul for anything, anything but you
Sell my soul for anything, anything but you
5:09 PM
COMA WHITE
Something is cold and blank behind her smile
She's standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile
(coma):
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself
Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls
(coma):
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
(chorus repeat)
5:05 PM
oh my god. i did some research on self harm and it links to borderline personality disorder. and guess what- all the symtoms fit. omg. this is way freaky. im depress but not to that extend of developing some freaky mental disorder right? right? oh please tell me im not insane:/
sudden attraction to marilyn manson. freaky guy, really. but his songs are awesome, and he does watercolour! mainly self portraits. a friend told me he's planning to commit suicide on his 666th concert or something, cool. okay and thats freaky too. i think freakish suicidal sadistic things are cool? ok i am losing my mind.
4:45 PM
The Death Song
we're on a bullet and we're headed straight into god, even he'd like to end it too
we take a pill, get a face, buy our ticket and we hope that heaven's true
i saw a cop beat a priest on the tv, and they know they killed our heroes too
we sing the death song kids, because we've got no future
and we want to be just like you, we want to be just like you
let's sing the death song kids
we light a candle on an earth we made into hell, and pretend that we're in heaven
each time we do we get the blind man's ticket and we know that nothing's true
i saw priest kill a cop on the tv, and i know now they're our heroes too
we sing the death song kids, because we've got no future
and we want to be just like you, we want to be just like you
we write our prayers on a little bomb, kiss it on the face and send it to god
(chorus)
we were the world, but we've got no future
and we want to be just like you, we want to be just like you
4:45 PM
weekend again. pointless to make promises i know i wont be able to keep. i dont want to let everyone down, but i just cant. its more than just a psychological need. pissed at myself, for once i blame everything on myself instead of my parents. its my freaking fault, that im making people around me miserable, that im letting my friends down. apologies to my rents to, for blowing for no particular reason. maybe its just me being too weak, to control my emotions.
now that its over, i find what i did just so funny. the dried blood on my arm, red gashes. just now i was so scared that the blood would drip and dad would see what i've been doing. haha but it dried. sorry i didnt keep my promise, that im being a pathetic suicide wannabe.
sheesh. my gorified arm.
3:39 PM
Friday, January 19, 2007
pain doesn't hurt, when its all you've ever felt.
7:48 PM
another tiring day, dozing off in class, getting shout at by some keesiao teacher, mugging homework, oh yeah sure what a nice day. geez.
developed a nasty little habit lately. dont call it slashing please, i hate people who say that. i prefer to use
cut. hoping it would wear off after a while...and hoping not. went to view fiona's frie ndster and wow, she's so damn good. her pictures are like damn cool. the ear piercing, tongue, and of course her mutilations. she's really good at carving words onto her body, artistic:) sheesh im getting more and more sadistic, might begin to freak people out soon.
4:52 PM
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
sheesh. i getting a headache from thinking too much. not school work mind you. i dont waste my brain energy on the likes of tian. drifting here and there, not really thinking about something. just...i dont know. realised i've been doing things for no reason, and feeling sad for no reason. jas say i always act high. but do i? i really have no idea. its just my body doing some actions, my brain seemed be numbed. oh christ. i need to see a counceller i think. im killing myself.
for these few days im not even thinking about ahem but my brain is still not functioning. rah. i want to recover the part of me that i lost. i want to be whole, i dont want be like a zombie. oh yeah thats the word im looking for:
zombie. im seriously turning into one.
trapped.
6:01 PM
what a great way to spend two hours. sketching maggi mee. and im not even gonna get in. not that its even worth getting in for. the whole place, person just totally crash my hopes. leaving me disappointed...in art. like something we've worked to hard to achieve, turn out to be... forget it. maybe i should just give up huh.
my decision two days ago. what was it again? ah yes. not to be so emo anymore. didnt really work though:/ still moody, still pissing people off. took up a rather unpleasant little hobby. *laugh.
3:56 PM
Monday, January 15, 2007
looking back, i realise i've been screwing up my life pretty well.
5:46 PM
made an important decision today. this day onwards i'll be less emo. this is a new start, i'll be happy. i'll try, that is:) okay so we confirmed the art screening thing with tham so we got excused from cca. sorry ld, i have to fight for my passion dont i? sad thing is, jean might not be taking up art after all. one, because the school doesnt allow. two, she doesnt want. *shrug. the decision's up to her to make. just a bit sad, thats all. and nervous! tomorrow's the screening and im so gonna embarrassed myself in front of everyone. like, what gave me the idea that im good enough to get into a HIGHER ART CLASS. oh crap. but yet i really want to get in. desperately. one chance to prove myself, or give up. yeah i will give a go, if it didnt work...*shrug. that just indicates that i should let go of the whole idea. well, cross fingers and hope for the best.
i want nothing else. give me one chance, to prove myself.
5:31 PM
Saturday, January 13, 2007
im never gonna move on and so i keep telling that to myself. and with each passing day im even more sure of that fact. its almost like im sinking deeper and deeper into the bog. remember the scene from lord of the rings three, when gollum was leading frodo and sam across the marshes and frodo was pulled into it by the dead? yeah something like that. travelling across the unknown, sinking deeper.
argh, im not gonna talk about something depressing anymore, or wonder about someone's well-being. cause why? its plain stupid. you're just making yourself depress over something that dont even concern you. only someone as stupid as me does things like that. so i wish for a new head:D
3:24 PM
Leo (Lion)
Born July 23 - August 22
From the early age, Leos are inclined towards drunkennes and extortion. When it comes to anything else, they show a remarkable degree of laziness. As a child, a Leo will typically demand a lot of money from parents, then from friends and even casual aquaintances.
His overly developed pride and narcissism can ruin the life of anyone who he has come into even passing contact with, while his gluttony is capable of bankrupting even the deepest set of pockets. Amazingly, even though Leos eat a lot and without stop, they never gain any weight.
They like to have the world revolve around them, which is why they strive to be the best at anything they do. If they are not successful at this, they will languish and lose weight.
A Leo's dominant character traits are usually an unshakable delusion of grandure and an elevated feeling of self-importance.
oh my, how accurate is that:D
2:33 PM
Friday, January 12, 2007
the wound i thought has healed, that should have healed, had been open again. the pain, so familiar...
im really tired. physically and emotionally. trying to control my random mood swings and dozing off in class. yeah the dozing off part is purely due to the lack of sleep. but thinking about it. i dont actually have much things to do that i have to stay up so late and getting up when hardly anyone else is awake yet. heh, i spend most of the time stoning:)
almost nine now. i cant sleep thats for certain. how could i when my brain is so freaking jammed up. i cant imagine how am i going to survive my remaining days on five hours of sleep a day and a million things crammed up in my head. oh yes i forgot to mention the fact that i have seriously unbalenced meals and bingeing when i feel like it.
omg i've got this sudden urge to leave sn for good. and starting a new life lets say somewhere in japan or france? oh yeah thats totally possible. bullshit. thats very childish of me. you would have to encounter numeral heartbreaks, oh yeah unless you spend the rest of your pathetic life living as a hermit. i see all those people passing me everyday, and wonder how their life is like. if they had felt the same as i did. and jealous that why do only i have all these kind of problems. but after thinking about it later, i felt stupid. like, stop being such an ego freak. so what if you are sad? stop thinking only about yourself. there are others out there who are worst off than you, just that you never realised. so stop acting the victim and snap out of it!
im fine. completely fine:D
8:38 PM
rah. omg im so lusting over Ken'ichi Matsuyama. for a good reason too. cause he's such an unbelievably good actor and he's hot:D hahaha. then i think i've almost, partially got over L's death:(
oh yeah today's friday and so that means i would get to sleep for more than five pathetic hours. hey thats so sad, thats why im dozing off in school everyday. hai. drats. now everything seems so miserable to me. maybe im getting depression huh? yeah right as if.
The one you love most hurts you the deepest.
6:59 PM
Thursday, January 11, 2007
oh man i want to go and see the trannies! damn sad. shit, im being sad again. see? thats precisely the freaking problem with me. so anw, they are like hookers. selling sex..to guys!! *shock. awesome. then my friend was like saying its very dangerous as i might get raped??!! okay okay, thats funny. so i better go with my friends. but i doubt any of my friends will actually want to go. they will be so freaked out. so im guess im really the one among them who is really weird, and sadistic.
hai. today in ss the cher(i forgot her name) was really pro at the general knowledge stuff. so she was telling us about blar blar blar the world and wtf. like somonia( or something) in africa. ppl there are really poor thing. cause of "lawlessness". like, ppl get raped every minute? okay that didnt come out right but you get what i mean right? there's this one month old baby who was raped by seven, SEVEN freaking guys. so of course she died lah. omgggg. *mouth hang open in shock.
ah i better go and have my dinner. im famished:)
7:00 PM
muahahahaha i got drenched in the rain, again! im so gonna fall ill:D but really, i dont care. just the feeling of running recklessly in the rain is better than anything. okayy, maybe not anything. but thats the best thing i could have now. today it thurs so there's ld and roger came in to like do some stuff about syf:) the idea he came up with is really awesome okay.
hai. but i feel so freaking listless, like nothing im doing has any meaning. muahaha. suicide wannabe. im so screwed. i've really got this big problem going on. whats freaking wrong with me lately? losing my appetite, extra moody when im already dao enough, and i feel so sadddddd:( everything makes me so moody, like even things that dont even concern me. for example: christine/chrislyn/? didnt go for recess nor lunch, she was doing homework!! thats scary. i was feeling sorry for her cause either she didnt have anyone to go recess with or she just feel really sad that she lost her appetite, same as me. but i didnt ask her. so im kinda worried.
and for some god forsaken reason im having cramps when im not even having my period. so freaky. like sudden, stabbing pain. it happens randomly, sometimes just once, and sometimes it goes on for a long time.
ah maybe i should find someone to talk to. you know, like a counseller or someone like that? but definitely not the school counsellers. they ask you stupid questions that doenst help but depress you even further. bleah.
6:46 PM
Friday, January 5, 2007
hahahahaha. ok i did it. i told him to fuck off and stuff like that. cause he's like super irritating? not to mention he keeps bothering jocelyn. so i told him that she doesnt care about his cars or wtf and stop trying zhui her. omg like damn funny can? so now i feel so high:D but then afterwards kind of felt sorry so i said
im sorry but i meant what i said. so that dont really make sense does it? anyway who cares, im over it. he doesnt give a damn and doesnt want to talk to me again? sure, fine by me, i dont give a damn either. so you think you are so great, boasting about your cars? like who cares? bmw sucks. except that im so jealous if he does have a car cause HE BLOODY WELL DONT DESERVE IT. yep:D
of course...i wont ever be going back to the tution centre ever again cause its so paiseh? he might just call me a bitch in front of everybody and so of course i would retaliate right. then the teacher would be so shocked, everyone would be so shocked. cause why? i look like a nice girl, i behave like a nice girl, and the nice girl would be screaming vulgarities right in front of them. hahahhaha. i can just imagine. i shouldnt feel sorry or anything, cause he really deserve it. like stop trying to hit on my friend, you are so not her standard. like i care if you already have a gf. i feel sorry for her that is. muahahahah. one thing accomplished at least:)
4:40 PM
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
oh yeah im freaking out. what? cause tomorrow school starts in a new year, 2007. oh christ. letting go is not so easy. looking through all the photos i took of two grace, you just...cant. the feeling, the bond, and you are never gonna see them again. you are never gonna be a class again . no more coming to school, walking pass the specs stand, and hearing the noise the class makes. to teachers, the noise is unbearable, and that we are a rowdy bunch of baddddd students. jesus, who cares what they think. but everything's gonna change from now on. and i know that three faith is never gonna be bonded, not a chance. i mean...its made up of very different people. please, dont take them away. now i have nothing left. my results are gonna suck as usual. that matters, cause if i dont give them the results they want, i dont get anything that i want. i want to work hard, i really do. but somehow, something is missing, the passion. the determination. and ld? its not gonna brighten up my life...even ld is....like that. relationships are failing, and i havent got the time and energy to try and salvage it. even talking to people makes me sad, what's going on? like talking to some people on msn, thinking about some things, they just seem to suck all the energy and joy out of me. i really cant handle so many things. arghhhhh. freaking damn.
7:01 PM